Ontario’s summer, so far, has been so cold and damp that it is now very hospitable to Heracleum mantegazzianum, also known as the Giant Hogweed, which is native to Russia, and thrived in the early 1970s in (also) damp and cold Britain. Ontario’s summer has been so cold and wet that it closely resembles Britain’s, and as such, the Giant Hogweed is quickly spreading.

The Giant Hogweed is a plant that can grow up to 7 meters tall, and it’s 3 cm thick stems have a clear liquid that, combined with sunlight, can make your skin boil. It was introduced to Britain by a victorian explorer, planted in the Royal Gardens at Kew, and quickly took over the countryside, prompting my favourite band Genesis to write a song about it:

The Return of the Giant Hogweed

Turn and run!
Nothing can stop them,
Around every river and canal their power is growing.
Stamp them out!
We must destroy them,
They infiltrate each city with their thick dark warning odour.

They are invincible,
They seem immune to all our herbicidal battering.

Long ago in the russian hills,
A victorian explorer found the regal hogweed by a marsh,
He captured it and brought it home.
Botanical creature stirs, seeking revenge.
Royal beast did not forget.
He came home to london,
And made a present of the hogweed to the royal gardens at kew.

Waste no time!
They are approaching.
Hurry now, we must protect ourselves and find some shelter
Strike by night!
They are defenceless.
They all need the sun to photosensitize their venom.

Still theyre invincible,
Still theyre immune to all our herbicidal battering.

Fashionable country gentlemen had some cultivated wild gardens,
In which they innocently planted the giant hogweed throughout the land.
Botanical creature stirs, seeking revenge.
Royal beast did not forget.
Soon they escaped, spreading their seed,
Preparing for an onslaught, threatening the human race.

The dance of the giant hogweed

Mighty hogweed is avenged.
Human bodies soon will know our anger.
Kill them with your hogweed hairs
Heracleum mantegazziani

Giant hogweed lives

So where’s this Global Warming everybody keeps talking about?

PS. The recommended way of getting rid of the Giant Hogweed: Round-Up, which, thanks to a certain Mr. McGuinty, is no longer available in Ontario. Good job!

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